James Read Wash Off Tan review

I’ll be honest, wash-off tan lotions fill me with the horrors. The actual heebie jeebies. The very idea of them catapults me back to 1985 and wrestling with horrific orange formulations that left streaky tidemarks everywhere, came off when you sweated (nice) and fooled nobody apart from the blind and the terminally stupid.

I’d been told that they’ve come on in leaps and bounds in the past few years, but still my money has stayed resolutely in my purse whenever I’ve been tempted. All I had to do was think back to summers looking down at my sandalled feet as the straps rubbed tell tale tan lines into my skin -or worse -getting caught in the rain! No thank you.

I’ve used fake tan over the years, of course I have. On the basis that at least it stays on, I’ve played sweary Russian Roulette with my skintone -missing patches round the back of my knees and ankles or just being cavalier and not exfoliating beforehand (and then having to wear maxi dresses for a week because my legs looked like I’d been kneeling in gravy).

So it was with the most bated of breath that I allowed myself to be suckered into the world of Mr James Read: TanMeister extraordinaire. I started on relatively safe ground -with his Sleep Mask tan -so far so good -one of the best facial fake tans I’ve used, in fact. And then I spotted this one in TK Maxx last week:

The bottle of Doom

Now, I’m aware that the brand has had a bit of a different kind of stripey makeover, which is probably why this was rolling around at less than half price, but I was sort of on the lookout for something that would make me look less pasty when I go on holiday in a few weeks, and I saw this and remembered the lovely Sali Hughes mentioning that she thought this one was one of the best in the business.

And by Jove, she’s onto something.

Terrifying

Now, let’s be honest here -it’s a frankly alarming colour when it comes out of the pump action bottle (the new version is in a tube, which I’m already sad about as a) I know I’m going to repurchase this and b) because tubes are just begging to be sat on in a handbag and explode over everything.)

I’m really rather pale. Pinky-pale, thanks to my ever present Rosacea, and a pale that can be ramped up with the right foundation, but milky nonetheless. Thank you, Scottish forebears! Thank you for bestowing a genetic legacy that ensures when I do go on holiday it takes 5 days for me to go from blue to white and then another 5 days turning a raging shade of red before turning white again overnight. It really is maddening.

But this…this juju in a bottle just went straight on, rubbed in, didn’t attach itself to the wizened and dry parts of me, didn’t streak, make tidemarks or any other such nonsense. It just sat there, looking gloriously believable.

A tan! I’ve got a bloody tan!

Received wisdom says to not use this over moisturiser, as it contains moisturising hyaluronic elements. I’ve practically daubed my entire body with it (using a mitt, natch) and I’m very, very impressed.

The only problem I’m encountering is doing my hands -I wash my hands A LOT every day doing my job and I’m ending up with a collar and cuffs look which is not what I imagined. I may have to use permanent tan on the backs of my hands and try and join the two up somehow. Or maybe I’ll just keep it for legs. Or maybe I’ll just stop washing my hands (Eww.)

I’ll figure something out.

James Read wash off tan and other sundry Tantastic items are available HERE and HERE -or rolling about TK Maxx next to some Italian Shampoo you’ve never heard of and an Opi Nail Varnish that at least 17 people have had a go at and they still want £4.99 for. Oy vey.

Info: Purchase